Apres Moi, Le Deluge (a short play in the absurdist style)

Après Moi, Le Deluge
By Katie Switalski

Characters:

KAT – 20 years old. Bookish, classically beautiful but she doesn’t flaunt it. She’s very understated and poetic. Delusional, slightly geeky. Wears fishnets under a plaid uniform-type skirt, with a cut-up t-shirt that hangs off her shoulders. She is barefoot.

MAX – 22 years old. Handsome in a rather geeky kind of way. A video game enthusiast, bookish like Kat. Wears faded jeans and a button down shirt.

VIOLA & BEATRICE – Of an ambiguous age, though somewhere between 18 and 23. They are Kat’s imaginary friends. Max cannot see either of them. They are dressed like hippies ready for a workout, in leggings, billowy peasant blouses, and head scarves.

Setting: Scene opens on a dark, deserted library. It is midnight. There is one desk stage center, with a spotlight on it. Kat sits at this desk, reading a book. Her shoes sit, abandoned, under the desk. There are three extra chairs around the table and a bookshelf located stage left. There is a row of short potted plants in front of the table. An open box of Chinese takeout sits on the table in front of Kat. A copy machine is located stage right. Next to the copy machine are Viola and Beatrice, on a yoga mat doing various yoga poses. Throughout the scene, they change poses randomly. The library is dead silent except for the occasional sound of Kat’s page turning.




As the scene opens, Kat turns a few more pages, gets frustrated, and stands up. She goes to stand behind the row of potted plants, clears her throat, and recites to the audience.

KAT
“After a hundred years
Nobody knows the place,--
Agony, that enacted there,
Motionless as peace.

Weeds triumphant ranged,
Strangers strolled and spelled
At the lone orthography
Of the elder dead.”[1]

[Max enters, carrying a battleaxe. Kat doesn’t look up from her reading.]

“Winds of summer fields
Recollect the way,--
Instinct picking up the key
Dropped by memory.”[2]

MAX
That’s beautiful, Kat.

KAT
Emily Dickinson.

MAX
She’s your favorite. Why are you reciting poetry in the library anyways?

KAT
Well, you can’t put Superman in a realistic play.
[She walks over to the table and sits back down.

MAX
True. What are you going to put in your play, then?
[He leans his battleaxe against the bookshelf and sits in the chair to the right of Kat.]

KAT
I was thinking some extremely Stepford wife-type people. You know…perfect neighborhood people who trim their lawns twice a day and cook seven course meals for lunch on a Thursday, all while murdering their husbands and strangling their babies in the uncomfortable silence that exists inside their well-kept homes.

MAX
That’s all been done before. Besides, it’s creepy.

KAT
No, that’s hilarious. Small children in horror movies are creepy.

MAX
I rented 1408 on DVD. That has a creepy child in it. Let’s watch it.

KAT
I’m busy. I’ve got to write this play AND build a model of a ribcage by tomorrow. I don’t have the time.

MAX
You make it so easy for me to hate you, you know. But I don’t. I never understood that.

KAT
I don’t speak French, Max. I don’t like Dungeons and Dragons and I hate Dante. It’s become increasingly obvious how much you should hate me.

MAX
Do you need help building that model?

KAT
Viola and Beatrice promised to help me out.

MAX
Who?

KAT:
My friends. I don’t think you’ve ever met them. They don’t speak French, either.

MAX
Kat...

KAT
They’re busy right now, though. Downward dog.
[She points towards stage right.]

Max looks over towards stage right. On first glance, he sees nothing. Does a double take. Still, nothing. He looks frantically around. Still, no one there.

MAX
By the copy machine?

KAT
Yeah.

MAX [Utterly confused]
Kat. There’s no one there. Don’t be ridiculous.

KAT
[Sings]
“Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad song, and make it better.”[3]

VIOLA & BEATRICE
[Singing along]
“Remember, to let her into your heart…then you can start to make it better.”[4]

MAX
[Confused]
Kat? What in God’s name are you doing?

KAT
Singing. Don’t act like you can’t hear us.

MAX
I hear you. Why are you referring to yourself in the plural?

VIOLA
[Gets up from her yoga pose and walks over to the table.]
Well, that’s just plain rude. We’re lovely singers.

[She waves her hand in front of Max’s face. He stares blankly right through her.]

BEATRICE
[From her yoga pose]
I don’t think he can see us, Viola. He is a boy, after all. Boys never see what’s right in front of their noses.

VIOLA
It’s true.

KAT
Very true. He’s so into those geeky sci-fi novels and virtual reality games, he barely notices anything else.

MAX
Hey! That isn’t true! Who are you talking to?

[Viola sinks into the chair on the left side of Kat]
VIOLA
Bee, I do believe he’s blatantly ignoring us.

BEATRICE
[Changes yoga pose]
Tell him to release his negative energy. His aura is very yellow.

VIOLA
That’s a bad sign.

BEATRICE
My thoughts exactly.

VIOLA
He should take up yoga.

BEATRICE
Much better for your body than those horrible video games he plays.

VIOLA
I know! All that violence!

BEATRICE
We need a video game where you take care of all the people you hunt down in those other games. We’ll call it…Mission: Hospital, or something.

VIOLA
Make love, not war.
[She gets up from the yoga mat and sits on top of the copy machine.]

KAT
His aura is yellow. But that’s library property, V. You can’t sit on it.

MAX
[Utterly confused]
Wait, my WHAT is yellow?

KAT
Your aura. But I wasn’t talking to you.

MAX
Of course not.

KAT
I was talking to Viola. V, you can’t sit there!

MAX
Kat, stop avoiding me.

KAT
I’m not avoiding you. I am allowed to talk to other people, you know.

MAX
What other people, Kat?

VIOLA
Wow.

BEATRICE
This game is getting old.

VIOLA
[Calls out to Kat]
“Just say we were lovers, and we’ll call it even.”[5]

KAT
“Just say we were lovers, and we’ll call it even.” [6]

MAX
Kat…don’t you miss it?

BEATRICE
Oh, do we ever! Like the dinosaurs miss extinction!

VIOLA
That makes no sense, Bee.

BEATRICE
Neither does Scrabble. Smile, and the whole world will smile with you…

KAT
[To Beatrice]
Or stab you in back the minute you turn.

Viola and Beatrice burst out laughing. Max has been getting more and more upset and has reached his boiling point.

MAX
Kat! You’ve been avoiding talking about this for too long. I can’t wait around forever.

KAT
You never could.

MAX
I loved you, don’t you understand that?

VIOLA
What, past tense, Maxie boy?

BEATRICE
[Whispered aside to Viola]
It was always past tense, Viola. They never fit together. He’s the one warped puzzle piece. You know, the one you spill coffee on and then try desperately to still fit into the picture, but its edges are frayed and it’s soggy.

KAT
WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!

VIOLA
[Getting up from the copy machine and crossing over to the table, where she sits next to Beatrice]
My, what a temper she’s got on her.

BEATRICE
She’s always been that way. Remember that time we read about how pigeons explode if you feed them rice?

VIOLA
And we mixed up a big batch of rice and glitter and started doling it out in Central Park?

BEATRICE
She got so mad. That was brilliant.

VIOLA
Nowhere near as brilliant as that time when Kat and Max went to –

KAT
[Cutting off Viola]
Not now. We’re not bringing that up right now.

MAX
[So quiet it’s almost a whisper]
I still love you.

KAT
[Looking down, sadly]
I’m afraid to love you back.

MAX
I know you are, Kat. But you can try. We’re destined to be together.

KAT
Samuel Beckett once said, “What do I know about destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.”

MAX
I don’t know much about radishes.

KAT
They’re red.

MAX
So are your cheeks.

KAT
I can’t help that.

MAX
You’re beautiful.

KAT
I can’t help that, either. Look, Max…It feels like the sky is falling down on me.

[He reaches across the table for his hand but is intercepted by Viola. He looks around, bewildered.]

VIOLA
We’re still here, you know.

BEATRICE
Yes. In fact, we came up with that line, missy.

VIOLA
You can’t just steal our material like that.

BEATRICE
It’s plagiarism.

KAT
[Turns to Beatrice and Viola]
It’s not plagiarism. It’s…borrowing someone else’s words.

VIOLA
[Laughs]
If you put your hand in the fire, you’re sure to get burned.

BEATRICE
Take the bull by the horns.

VIOLA
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream.

BEATRICE
[Laughing giddily now, yelling at the top of her lungs]
MERRILY! MERRILY! LIFE IS BUT A –

[Max hears Beatrice at this point and is scared]
MAX
What was that?

BEATRICE
[Leans across Kat to yell in Max’s face]
LIFE IS BUT A DREAM, MAXIE! Life is but a dream!

MAX
I’m hearing voices, Kat. What the fuck is going on here?

KAT
[She begins to hyperventilate and rock back and forth in her chair]
I don’t know, Max. I don’t know anything about radishes, or existentialism, or Superman, or writing plays. I can’t do this. I never could.

MAX
[He takes Kat by the shoulders and shakes her]
KAT! Stop it! You’re scaring me!

KAT
[She is speaking in a very high pitch and crying, her rocking becoming more and more hectic]
You’re scared? They’re supposed to be my friends, Max! But they’re turning on me! It doesn’t make any sense! They’re pacifists! PETA activists! Get your axe, please. Please.

MAX
Kat, breathe. Please.

VIOLA
What do you need an axe for, fair maiden? We be friends of thee!
[She cackles evilly, jumps up from her chair and begins dancing wildly about center stage]

BEATRICE
Thou speakst the truth, fair Viola!
[She jumps out of her chair as well and joins Viola in dancing. They grab hands and wheel around dangerously fast]

KAT
They’re speaking in Shakespearean English, Max.

MAX
I know. I’ll get the axe.
[Max gets up from his seat and moves towards the axe leaning against the bookshelf]

Note: the next part must be said very fast, with the lines overlapping, so that the time between when Max reaches for his axe and Beatrice intercepts him is not too long.

VIOLA
Not the axe!

BEATRICE
No, Max…not the axe!

VIOLAWhat a rhyme!

BEATRICE
What a prince!

VIOLA
Come to save the fair maiden, Max?

BEATRICE
Don’t you know you can’t save her?

VIOLA
We’re not going to let her go!

BEATRICE
We’ll never let go!
[They cackle evilly. Beatrice whirls over to the bookshelf and grabs the axe before Max can.]

KAT
[She stands up suddenly]
Max! Look out!

[Beatrice swings the axe. Max barely manages to dodge it, falling against the bookshelf in doing so, causing books to scatter everywhere.]

VIOLA
So close, Bee!

BEATRICE
I’ll get him yet!

KAT
NO! Beatrice, drop it!
[Beatrice’s hand drops the axe of its own accord.]

BEATRICE
You have no power over me! What is this?

KAT
“Winds of summer fields
Recollect the way,--
Instinct picking up the key
Dropped by memory.”[7]

I can’t shirk away from memories anymore. I don’t want to. I LOVE YOU, MAX!

Viola and Beatrice scream and fall to the floor in convulsions. They both "disappear", that is, one drags herself behind the copy machine, and the other drags herself behind some of the potted plants. Kat falls into a faint. Max runs over to her and catches her before she can hit the ground.

MAX
It never mattered to me that you can’t speak French.


[1] ‘After a Hundred Years’ by Emily Dickinson
[2] ‘After a Hundred Years’ by Emily Dickinson
[3] The Beatles, Hey Jude
[4] The Beatles, Hey Jude
[5] The Dresden Dolls, Slide
[6] The Dresden Dolls, Slide
[7] ‘After a Hundred Years’ by Emily Dickinson